This whole motherhood thing...

Lately I've been contemplating something that, well, you just don't discuss at playgroups. Why exactly did I do this whole motherhood thing?

I am one of the lucky ones who actually consciously wanted both of my girls, had been married for 5 years and planned both pregnancies, and then was able to get pregnant very quickly and had healthy babies. I know how many women did not have that experience. But now I see myself parenting my children, and it's not all how I pictured it. I see older kids and teenagers and I think about their mothers and what their mothers think about them, what their relationship is, if the mother got what she was hoping for out of it all...

So why did I want this? What exactly does having children give you? Or is it about teaching you to give more than you ever thought you could? Is it just biological, the male's need to sow his seed and the female's maternal instincts? I'd like to think that there was more to my decision than just my biology. I certainly do not believe that you need to be a mother to really be a woman. Definitely not. It was just understood for me personally that I would one day be a mom.

It's just very strange to watch this little person develop and to know that you have such an enormous influence on how she develops. It's like there are sooooo many ways in which I can screw her up. And no matter what I do she will probably hate me for a few years as a pre-teen. No matter what I do. But hopefully, if we survive those pre-teen and teen years, she'll appreciate me when she's an adult, 20 years from now. Although she'll still probably look back and think "Mom could have done this better and I wish she never did that.."

And then I think about school, and what a minefield of hurt feelings and social battles that place is. Of course as a teacher wanna-be I believe in educating our children and I also believe in letting them explore social situations to prepare them for the rest of their lives, however public schools can be messed up. Kids are cruel and we just lump them all together with only one adult supervisor for like 25 of them and just hope that adult notices all the subtle emotional explosions that happen daily. If that is preperation for adult life, why would I willingly make life just to expose it to all this?

I wonder if it was my selfish desire to make my imprint on the world. I believe in myself and my husband. I think we are morally good and also thoughtful, intelligent people and I believed that we would bring children into the world who could also be good and thoughtful people. They are to be my legacy. When I realize that was my intention I realize how selfish and unfair that is.

To my beautiful girls, I want to expose you to all that is good in the world, understanding there will also be pain, confusion and disappointment along the way. I hope you don't resent me for my imperfections. Most of all, I hope you love your life. You need to know that you have already made mine better, even if it is not at all what I expected and I often feel like I'm failing you. I have learned so much by watching you and loving you. I hope I get to hug you every day for the rest of my life. :)