Someone's gotta give

In my mother's day it was assumed that the woman needs to put family first and the man needs to pursue a real career. My mom always worked but as a cook, a waitress, and then eventually a secretary. I can't imagine those jobs were exactly thrilling. But they fit into the lifestyle of focusing all her attention on her kids and husband. She happens to be a very talented seamstress and is extremely creative; I remember being amazed at a painting in our house that my mom did. Now that her kids are all grown she has allowed herself to dream and she is actually a very ambitious women, with so many ideas of how to pursue her creative passions. She sacrificed so much for us. I think of that moment in Peter Pan when the mother explains how the father put all his dreams into a drawer and sometimes pulls them out to admire...

However, because my parents had children so young, my father also didn't exactly get to pursue a career he was enthralled with. He was a butcher for a while and then went back to school to get a slightly better job at a factory. He has worked there ever since, working his way up though, to now having an essential position there. He managed to work some of his passions into what he does; the more executive position he now has involves more work with programming and design. But for a very long time he too sacrificed for his family.

Have you ever been told a job is a job and it's supposed to suck? Do you believe it? I definitely think my parents subscribed to that for a long time. But now both are or have already attempted to make it not suck so much. My husband sometimes feels that is just going to suck, but I know that he is often very satisfied with his job. He is challenged by it (hard for him, mister off-the-charts smart guy) and he'll talk on and on and on about what he's doing. So I think what he means is that at times you get frustrated, bored, wish you were somewhere else doing something else... Which is true of pretty much everything when you do it for 8 or 9 hours every day.

Back to my parents, because of their sacrifices for me and because of the society I grew up in I always imagined that I would one day be a mother but I also always expected to find a career I was passionate about and to try to become successful at that too. I know other girls my age did not grow up with the ingrained idea of motherhood, I'm not sure if it was my true desire or if that was very subtly put on me by the world I was raised in. In any case, a few years into our marriage I started dreaming babies. Simultaneously I was planning my career. I tried out serious academia in the form of a master's degree and realized I did not like many aspects of it. So I went to teacher's college and discovered I love teaching. I love it. And I'm good at it. I can command the respect of a classroom and I'm very good at connecting with the students. I even enjoyed marking their work, I like seeing what they come up with. Of course there were times when I wanted a break, when I'd love to be home watching tv instead, just like my husband, but for the most part I was seriously passionate about teaching.

But then I didn't get a job, not even supply teaching. Apparently I went to teacher's college at the worst possible time in the past 20 years. Even the next year was better (when I was visibly pregnant with baby S). But also it was incredibly difficult to be a working mom. N was in daycare for 8 months while I went back to school for my B.Ed. It's not that I found it difficult to leave her. A lot of people assume that would be the issue. I got over that quickly. I saw how the ladies were with the babies and I knew she was well taken care of. It was more the whole, who's going to clean the house and cook with both parents working full time? How do you working moms do it?!? When is that precious family time where you all just hang out at the park or play on the floor together? When I wasn't doing school work or prepping for my student teaching I was cleaning the piles and piles of dishes and laundry that developed while I wasn't looking. Our house became just a place we used for shelter; it was not a home. And when I was hanging out with the family I was half thinking about them and half thinking about what I would be doing in class next week.

or how well my children behave, but, let's face it, that is kind of what defines me now. And then I always end up feeling like a failure.

And when I look to the future, when both kids are in full day school, I'm surprised to realize I don't want every B.Ed. student's dream, the full time teaching contract. No thank you. That year when I was in school was so very hard that I don't want to repeat that again. If I feel like a failure when all I do is be a mom, how will I succeed at motherhood and working? I've heard from a lot of other moms that they always imagined they'd go back to work but are now preferring to stay home if at all possible. I, like many other girls, was encouraged to want it all, but no one explained just how hard that is. And now there's quite a few of us, highly educated and aiming much lower than we ever expected because we prioritize our children and realize that it is simply unfair to have a professional, full-time job and only dedicate about 30% of yourself to it. I hope, and I mean hope, to be a supply teacher. That would seriously be ideal. Part time, no homework, no stress about the long-term development of the students. Just get in, do the job, and get out with full mental capacity left to focus on my family.

Of course I would be giving up one of the things I loved about teaching: the pride in watching the love of learning develop in some kids (and I mean only some). And also the creativity involved in lesson planning. I surprised myself a few times by creating some pretty awesome lessons, and that felt good. Really good. And then when the students responded really well to the lesson, now there's your sense of achievement! But you know what, I would so give that up to gain the ability to focus more on my family. I would definitely take on the treatment that high school kids give supply teachers in order to not have any prep work. When I first thought about teaching I never "dreamed" about supply teaching... and yet here I am.

So I follow many women before me and forgo the ideal career in order to be the primary caregiver for my family. Because having it all, well, I just don't believe that exists. At least not for both parents. If I have to choose one thing to make sure I succeed at, I choose my family. Maybe my parent's spoiled me by raising me in a family that functioned well. That kind of family doesn't just work with no one paying attention to it. Someone's gotta give, and it will not be my kids.

This whole motherhood thing...

Lately I've been contemplating something that, well, you just don't discuss at playgroups. Why exactly did I do this whole motherhood thing?

I am one of the lucky ones who actually consciously wanted both of my girls, had been married for 5 years and planned both pregnancies, and then was able to get pregnant very quickly and had healthy babies. I know how many women did not have that experience. But now I see myself parenting my children, and it's not all how I pictured it. I see older kids and teenagers and I think about their mothers and what their mothers think about them, what their relationship is, if the mother got what she was hoping for out of it all...

So why did I want this? What exactly does having children give you? Or is it about teaching you to give more than you ever thought you could? Is it just biological, the male's need to sow his seed and the female's maternal instincts? I'd like to think that there was more to my decision than just my biology. I certainly do not believe that you need to be a mother to really be a woman. Definitely not. It was just understood for me personally that I would one day be a mom.

It's just very strange to watch this little person develop and to know that you have such an enormous influence on how she develops. It's like there are sooooo many ways in which I can screw her up. And no matter what I do she will probably hate me for a few years as a pre-teen. No matter what I do. But hopefully, if we survive those pre-teen and teen years, she'll appreciate me when she's an adult, 20 years from now. Although she'll still probably look back and think "Mom could have done this better and I wish she never did that.."

And then I think about school, and what a minefield of hurt feelings and social battles that place is. Of course as a teacher wanna-be I believe in educating our children and I also believe in letting them explore social situations to prepare them for the rest of their lives, however public schools can be messed up. Kids are cruel and we just lump them all together with only one adult supervisor for like 25 of them and just hope that adult notices all the subtle emotional explosions that happen daily. If that is preperation for adult life, why would I willingly make life just to expose it to all this?

I wonder if it was my selfish desire to make my imprint on the world. I believe in myself and my husband. I think we are morally good and also thoughtful, intelligent people and I believed that we would bring children into the world who could also be good and thoughtful people. They are to be my legacy. When I realize that was my intention I realize how selfish and unfair that is.

To my beautiful girls, I want to expose you to all that is good in the world, understanding there will also be pain, confusion and disappointment along the way. I hope you don't resent me for my imperfections. Most of all, I hope you love your life. You need to know that you have already made mine better, even if it is not at all what I expected and I often feel like I'm failing you. I have learned so much by watching you and loving you. I hope I get to hug you every day for the rest of my life. :)

Health: an unachievable goal? Or am I just being lazy... again.

I've had an on again off again relationship with a healthy lifestyle. I began researching healthy eating habits when my first baby began eating meals with us. And after teacher's college was done. There was no way I had the time or brain capacity to think about what I ate during that crazy year that was teacher's college with a 1 year old. What was I thinking!?!

Anyway, back to the beginning of my winding, detour-ridden journey to health.

It's a bit sad that I only looked into it for the sake of my child, and not me... But I did. I checked out a few books at the library and began watching a few diet related shows; my favourite was Eat Yourself Sexy. Gillian McKeith is so cool. Then I joined a gym. I have to admit the biggest appeal of going to the gym was the hour or so of uninterrupted "me time", the allusive idea that makeover shows are so intent on preaching at me. They weren't kidding, "me time" can be freaking awesome! I dropped my bundle of terrible two energy off at the gym daycare and hit the treadmill.

Then I decided, since I had the time and opportunity, to get a personal trainer. I don't regret it at all. She was great. Most people begin losing weight right away, but not me. I began at a plateau. I worked hard, really hard, and yet I couldn't lose any weight. In about 3 months I lost less than 3lbs. It was depressing, frustrating, and messed up! If I didn't have my trainer I would have given up for sure.

At the 3 month mark, she decided we needed drastic measures and she asked me to keep a daily food log. That sucked but was so necessary. If a healthy lifestyle just involved exercising I would be in, no hesitation. I get to tell my husband to watch the kids and let me have time to work out, and he of course will comply whole-heartedly since let's face it, he doesn't mind a toned up me. Not to mention, I'm sure, the happier, ie. less bitchy, attitude I sport post-work out "me time". Unfortunately, stupidly, frustratingly, exercise is clearly not enough for me. So I was very careful about what I ate. I was totally in control and the weight dropped off easily. I actually continued to lose weight well into my 2nd pregnancy even though I was not trying to lose weight. I was merely maintaining my new healthy eating habits.

A few months preggers and muscles like never before!

It sounds like a wonderful story of reaching a healthy lifestyle... But somewhere in my pregnancy I let it all go. I ate whenever and however I wanted. And you can guess what sort of things I wanted. Not rice cakes.

And exercise declined because, well, I was pregnant. I did yoga for as long as I could, but that was it. I felt like a massive bellied, fetus carrier and I couldn't even get off the couch without great effort let alone do a push up.

Taken a few hours before S came into the world.

My hilarious husband thought we all needed to remember exactly what being that pregnant looks like.

And now I have a beautiful, sweet, incredibly needy baby that is currently, at 4 months, still sleeping on my lap. That's another post, but yes, she sleeps on me 24/7. It's a bit difficult to work out with a baby on you.

That leaves me with what I know will be a very effective method to health, monitor my food intake and make sensible choices... Even if I was working out on a regular basis, which I'm not, my healthy lifestyle needs to include eating well. I respond to that thought like N just responded to whatever it was she was just tantruming about (Dada was dealing with it, I have no clue what it was, I have the aforementioned sleeping babe on me... such an adorable little get out of jail free card.) To sum: Crap. I don't wanna make sensible choices. I don't wanna pay attention to the junk I put in my body.

And then there's the guilt that I am a nursing momma, and therefore everything I eat my littlest one eats. So I really should be ensuring I eat enough of the right stuff each day.

But this elusive "healthy lifestyle" is really confusing to figure out. Some people claim vegan is the healthiest way, some claim depriving yourself of yogurt and other calcium-rich foods is risky, especially for women. So perhaps vegetarian? But protein is very important and it would be such work to make sure I get enough protein without meat... Plus, how realistic is that for me and my family? I recently heard of a Paleo diet, where you try to eat like the cavemen did, but that has many critics. And I've read that the most important thing to do is choose a diet that is maintainable and realistic for you.

Like pretty much everything else, there are sooooo many opinions and no one agrees. What to do, what to do...

So, my plan:
*90% of my grains will be whole grains. I already do this anyway, so that's an easy one.
*No more juice. Ever. Again, fairly easy for me. I usually only have tea and water. I sometimes have hot chocolate and chocolate milk, do I need to get rid of those completely? Hmmm....
*Only 1 red meat a week. Hmph. This one's harder. It's incredible how much red meat I don't notice I'm having. But I shall try.
*Natural (and therefore low-salt/sugar) peanut butter. Considering I have peanut butter almost every day, this is actually significant for me. And such an easy fix. No reason not to. Right? Right. Done.
*For supper, 1/4 of the plate should be grains, 1/4 meat or alternatives, and 1/2 veggies. Yeah... I soooo don't do that one right now. That'll take some work.
The hardest one, by far....
*Stop with the freaking junk! Oh my wonderful chips. How I love thee. Your salty goodness is only surpassed by the satisfying crunchiness. I can't tell you how many times I've eaten so many chips, and I mean a whole bag instead of a meal, and seriously felt ill afterwards. So not healthy. Plus, not ultimately satisfying. It's actually really unsatisfying. So what is the point? ...but I still want them. I'll always want them. Ketchup... All dressed... Oooo, dill pickle! You fickle temptresses!

The interesting thing is, for me, the question of a healthy lifestyle is no longer about weight loss or body image. I have recently given birth and am still far over my pre-pregnancy weight. But because of my experience with my trainer I know that I can reclaim my body when I have the chance to. Probably this time without a trainer. I know that the puffy muffin top where a baby lived for 9 months will eventually deflate. Of note, today a 5 year old poked my belly and asked "What's in there?" I was confused and so emptied my coat pockets for him... But he clarified by asking if I had a baby in there. :) His mother rushed to scold him and explain that when a mama has a new baby it takes a while for her to not look pregnant. I honestly didn't mind though. It didn't bug me. It was an honest question. I know I'm puffy, and I know I won't always be. Other areas of my body are of course forever changed, however no amount of diet or exercise will address those. And besides, there are amazing articles of clothing that suck in, push up, and enhance minor details like that. :) There's only one other person who has to see me without said awesome clothing, and he is a kind, loving, supportive (got children out of the deal) person.

To me, health is now for its own sake. I want to respect my body. I know that when I was losing weight and keeping a food log I was more energetic and more positive. My body functioned well and I knew I was doing the best I could for it. I was strong and proud of myself. I felt in control and that made me feel super empowered. Moreover, I want to begin my daughters with a lifestyle that is healthy and smart. I'd love to have this as their default. I want to them to always feel in control and proud of themselves. I want to model a positive attitude towards one's body, including allowing it function optimally.

Ah drat. It's the smart thing to do. Stick to my plan. Eat well. Avoid the chips. And fast food (so freaking convenient). And sweets... Stop thinking about them!

Back on the road to health!

I hope.

Return to Innocence, I mean.. a blog.

I used to blog when I was in university. I even blogged during early labour with my first baby girl. But then being a first time mom and going back to school, well, life got pretty busy. Now I've completed school (I really hope!) and I've got two lovely daughters. I find myself looking for a creative outlet and a chance to talk like the intellectual adult I used to be. Of course as I wrote that my 3 year old repeatedly asked "Say hi to the duck, Mama. Say hi to the duck, Mama. Mama, say hi to the duck!" The toddler appeasing woman that I now am then said hi to a stuffed duck. Wow. 

Anyway, the title is a nod to my geeky roots. The three heads is a reference to, first, the three-headed Hecate. My name is actually related to this dark mythological goddess. I've always loved the meaning of my name, Moon Goddess. Then while studying Shakespeare I learned that the meaning is even cooler than I imagined. It's related to the goddess of the night (or moon) Hecate. You can intrepret that to mean that she was related to all things "dark", but I would prefer to think of it as all things subversive. :) Ooooo, a word I haven't used in years! The feminist in me loves to ponder how, historically, simply being female was subversive and oftentimes considered "dark". Women are always moon-like while men are sun-like. You might think this upsets me. Au contraire, I've always fully embraced being moon-like. Inconsistent, glaringly bright at times and difficult to pin-point at other times. I love how women have managed to pop out through the pages of history just as the moon can find it's light despite the overwhelming presence of the sun. And of course, as my astronomy-loving husband points out, it is attention seeking to the point of blocking out all the stars around. :) But that's just the moon. Not me! Also, the moon can really be a nuisance once a month. Ahem. Er... anyway...

The second thought behind the three heads is likely related to the first. Hecate had a snake head, dog head, and a horse head. I, too, feel as though I wear 3 heads, at least! Mother, wife, girl/woman (haven't decided yet), teacher hopeful, daughter, sister, friend, etc. On any given day I have about 3 heads co-existing. Life has become manouvering between the different roles in a cohesive and beneficial way. I think I'm getting better at it.:) Although I suck at the friend head. It doesn't see the light of day nearly as much as it should. I apologize to my friends, I really do.

The heart is, I hope, fairly obvious. My life is full of heads but it's definitely full of heart. At this moment I have the tiny body of my 4 month old (hereafter called "S") curled up on me and my big girl ("N") looking at me with her big, blue eyes and chocolatey nutella all over her face. *heart swells...again*

I hope to write about more than just motherhood, although it is the most prominent of the heads, by far. I think it will be healthy just to write, even if no one reads. To remind myself that I am creative. To get back in the habit of writing. To remember that I can do more than meet the basic needs of my girls. And that I have more to say than "hi" to a stuffed duck. :)